sameness....

I wrote on my facebook status yesterday "somethings remain the same, but should they"? No one really commented back except a dear long term friend who told me no they shouldn't, this is too much like apathy. I honestly think I am so tired of mundane sameness that I could scream and it is in so many areas.... I am trying to find my way out.

I think of relationships, knowing where I am spiritually, emotionally and yet I still find my self being the good listener, starting to talk only to hear the shift in their voice that states "hey, I am good right now and I really don't want to hear that your not because I am afraid it will break my happy bubble" or the response that they think what you are feeling is wrong and should be looked at in a different view, which isn't always a bad response but sometime you need to feel what you feel for a moment, share it without being judged for it then allowed to realize that your thought or feeling needs to change or even it is ok for you to feel that way for a short time but don't allow it to linger to long.... Maybe you just need to be acknowledge for the emotion or thought then with a gentle nudge, they tell you to not stay their too long. I think the sameness in relationship for me is me being the good listener and be corrected for my thoughts... I find myself pushing away from those who do not hear me. I am thankful for the few who do hear me, in that reality, this list is short and can be counted on a few fingers with one being my Papa. I am thankful for His faithfulness to me, His open ear and heart to me. I can tell Him exactly what I am feeling and He doesn't give me tone and He gently corrects me when I need it.... He doesn't listen to me then run to someone else and whisper to them what I say. He holds it like a treasure and guides me to better emotions, better thoughts.

I dont want it to sound like I am bashing relationships but I find myself giving out more then I receive in return. Giving out is no way a bad thing but allowing my well to dry up is a bad thing. That is the sameness that I have allowed myself to get use too. Not changing. The giving more then the receiving. I really dont need to receive a lot except from God. But the change I am working towards is limiting the giving out, finding that balance so that I am not tapped out and have no reserve.

I am trying to change the sameness in my life and it has prompted change in who I am with and what I am doing. I am truly seeking His plan... taking it one step at a time, not wanting to give in to apathy and remain the same but seeking the next step.