pancakes

Last night I had the opportunity to speak to a group of ladies in my church. There is a group called Married to the Maker and it is for single ladies. When I was asked to speak I first found it an honor then I thought what am I going to talk about.... I am currently taking a Beth Moore class with my mom about the book of Ester. It has been an amazing class.... last week in the video teaching she used a verse out of Hosea, I believe 7:8, it is where God calls Ephraim a half baked cake... as Beth stated, a pancake not turned.

I have been thinking a lot on transparency and I asked the ladies last night why cant we be transparent with our fellow sisters and brothers... the answers were, pride, fear and religion. Yep, to name just the big few.... we cant be transparent with who we share our faith... sad but so true. We show them the side we want them to see... am I guilty. Yes I am for all the same reasons. We are half baked cakes because we can not be or show who we are because of pride or fear of what is going to the reaction or how it will be judged by the ones that do not see their downside and it truth are half baked cakes themselves....

It saddens me because I feel we are also half baked with God... fear to express our love for Him in the way that He would so desire for us to do. I long to love Him with total abandonment but because of fear of peoples reaction, or what it will look like or where it will take me, I hold back how I love Him and in truth I don't open my heart to the fullness of His love... But I still long to love Him that way... to receive His love without inhibition... If I cant trust Him who knows me best how can I ever trust those He created.... but I can hear Papa saying, Ginger, unless you love Me with all your heart, trust Me with all your heart... you are a half baked cake....

Papa, I love pancakes.... I love the golden color on both sides... that is a perfect pancake... one that has been been cooked through. Papa right now I am a half baked cake, out of fear I don't love You the way I desire and I don't receive your love the way that I so want, out of fear, yes, out of pride, oh yes, and out of religion... sad to say yes.... help me to throw this to the side and love you with the passion that we both long for me to do.... You already love me that way. PaPa help me to be more honest and transparent with You and with others... to not be geared toward fear of their reaction but walking it what you asked.... there was no where in the Bible where you tell me to love You or others with half my body, soul and spirit.... you say You want all of it. I don't want to be a half baked cake.... Thank you Papa....

longing....

I am longing to not carry this responsibility any longer....
I am longing to be with You....

I don't want to have to resolve yet one more problem that isn't mine...
Your yoke is light and easy

I am counting my breaths and my steps until I see you....
You are counting my breaths and steps until I see You...

I want to trade this life in for someone different...
You knew me before I was created

I want to run as hard as I can away from this place....
You say be still and know who You are....

I feel very unlovely and unloved...
You love me unconditionally....

I feel forgotten and abandoned....
My name is engraved in the palm of your hand

I feel unsure of what to do next....
You say you have a plan and a purpose for my life....

I don't know what is truth...
You are truth....

chapter 4

I am reading the book "Crazy Love" by Frances Chan. It is one of those books I have to take a slow pace, digest what I read, reflect on what it speaks to me, what it reflects.... it is an amazing book. I finished chapter 4 which was on the lukewarm christian.... ouch.... I also read a devotional this past week on selective tolerance and I kind of weaved them together in what I am thinking.... I think we are all guilty of being lukewarm in our relationship with Him on most occasions, I think we are lukewarm in our relationships with others in our lives, those we know and those that are placed in front of us.... I know.... sounds like a harsh word, a harsh statement....

He talked about our money... how we hold on to it rather then give and allow to work for someone in need... this is a man that sold the mansion and downsized, realizing he did not need all the material things to have joy, to be happy. I think about the story in the Bible where the rich young man asked what was needed in order to be able to follow Him. Jesus told him to sell everything then come follow Him. I can see him shaking his head as he walked away from Jesus, because he couldn't do it.... How many times have I just shook my head and walked away.... selective in what I give... who I give too.... most importantly how I give... is there expectation with the gift.... or do I give freely just to bless.... am I being lukewarm in my walk with Christ because of my selective list....

I go a step further, how about our relationships with others, are we selective in how we love, do we love according to how we feel in the moment, to who it is.... are we willing to embrace the one that is not so lovely..... do we love at our convience. Is it sad that I find a good time when a person is actually available and hears me... is that sad... should we be available and loving no matter what.... the scripture that keeps coming to me and has for months on end is that we are to love each other with all our hearts... or do we operate in selective tolerance with each other... God help me to not be selective in my tolerance.

I think what saddens me most about chapter 4 is how are we loving our God, our PaPa.... are we selective in our love to Him... when He asks us to do something and we think it will demand to much of us we just do like the rich ruler and walk away shaking our heads... are we selective in our obedience to Him.... are we walking in a lukewarm relationship with Him rather then in total abandonment.... are we doing what He says... loving Him with our complete body, mind and soul....

I don't know if I really know anyone that loves others and God in total abandonment.... we, me are all guilty of selective obedience, selective tolerance.... I don't want to be lukewarm in my relationship with Him or with other, those that I love.... what I find is that maybe I am selective in the love that I receive from Him.... I want to accept and give His love in total abandonment.... no reservations....

alone

Today I decided to go out with my camera and just be.... no radio, at lease for the majority... just me and all the thoughts that love to run in my head.... It was a messy day and thought twice about going out but I needed that quiet, voice free day and maybe just maybe I would here the voice that mattered... I find myself seeking that peace fix... where will next one come from, will I have to wait to long... when will I learn to live in that mode every day. The past three weekends have brought such different experiences for me, each talking to my spirit differently. All vital for the journey. Today I wanted to see if I could do this on my own, no one with me, no one giving me a security in what I was doing. Just me and God, so I guess I wasn't really alone... He is great company. The picture above to represents the journey of just taking this day by day and see what each brings... not knowing what is ahead but the road does not end, not a new direction to seek.

This picture represents the journey that is ending, the track ends, is covered... new direction has to be sought... that is kind of where I am now... or at least it feels that way... the need for a new direction, a new season. I enjoyed my talks and my quietness with our PaPa today... He was showing me that indeed there is a new direction coming my way... peace in the walk and not fearing taking on things alone, or better way to put it, me and Him. I love the peace that He gives... I am thankful for what the past three weekends have shown me and looking forward to what is next....

Walk

I went and hung out with my dear friend this past weekend... she is the friend that can ask the hard questions and you answer them because you know she really wants to know what you have to say. It was an easy weekend and I needed the time, the talks.... On Sunday we went for a walk at a park by a river.... I know a little generic but the name didn't really matter to me. It was about hanging out with my friend and the conversation that we were in. I have been saying to her for months that I was bored in my life, that I wake up and do the same thing basically every day and I was looking for a change. The picture above, if you look closely shows a white bird. She looks at me and says, ginger, that bird does the same thing every day, eats, flies, swims.... and it appears happy. Can you be happy where you are now? I said but that bird is in his, she then says element. I say exactly, that bird is where he was created to be and doing what he was created to do. I asked, what if that bird was placed in the desert? He would long for the water and search for the water. I am the bird in the desert looking for my water. The next picture shows the bird flying.... I thought, true height in flight can only occur in the environment you were created to fly in... that bird was happy in his environment.

I have a lady that works for me, she is in her upper 40's but finally living her dream. She has told me that she is living what she longed for, for years.... but could not be happier. I told her about my bird story... she knew exactly what I was saying and that she found her river. I am looking for my river.... that day I had a glimpse because I was doing exactly what I needed. Hanging out with my dear friend, speaking my heart and my words were being accepted. The peace I felt walking that day was awesome and actually that day represented the best day I have had in a long time. I am still searching for my river and I wont stop looking and trust that I will find it one day. I want to have the purity of that white bird flying, happy for the normal of the day.

silence

SILENCE

BY SELENA CROSS

At last I have cla-ri-ty
It took a while, it took a long time
But now I can see
I learned to let go
It was the hardest lesson learned
But I gave you my love
In silence
Silence
There would come a time
In my life
When I'd face what was real
I turned a blind eye
I'd fear the light
Too afraid to come clean
But I learned to let go
Although you will never know
That I gave you my love
In silence
Silence
Silence
Silence
But I learned to let go
It was the hardest lesson of all
Did you ever know?
I gave you my love
In silence
Silence
Ooh

I had to go to Charleston today for a training, I left with my portfolio and my coffee in hand. Thinking of the quick conversation that I had with our PaPa this morning. The typical day start, read my devotion, maybe a chapter or so in the Bible, say a prayer then keep going into my day. I have been in deep thought on the fact that I am bored in my life, in basically most aspects.... this morning I wondered if God gets bored with our conversations and structures we have set in our lives.... So as I got in my jeep and started down the road I noticed my radio was off, I thought, how far can I go without noise, just me and God in the jeep. The exit to get on the turnpike, then came the first toll, then the second, then my exit, I made it to my destination without my radio which is an hour. I talked and I was quiet. Listening, asking a question then feeling, that doesn't have to be decided right now, or getting peace with my decision.

I love the song above because it describes not only a particular relationship in my life but also how I feel God loves us in silence..... doesn't cause the drama to get our attention but is quiet. When I read my friends blog about listening I knew I had to write one on silence because it was confirmation on what I was feeling today. Sometimes silence speaks louder then words....

sameness....

I wrote on my facebook status yesterday "somethings remain the same, but should they"? No one really commented back except a dear long term friend who told me no they shouldn't, this is too much like apathy. I honestly think I am so tired of mundane sameness that I could scream and it is in so many areas.... I am trying to find my way out.

I think of relationships, knowing where I am spiritually, emotionally and yet I still find my self being the good listener, starting to talk only to hear the shift in their voice that states "hey, I am good right now and I really don't want to hear that your not because I am afraid it will break my happy bubble" or the response that they think what you are feeling is wrong and should be looked at in a different view, which isn't always a bad response but sometime you need to feel what you feel for a moment, share it without being judged for it then allowed to realize that your thought or feeling needs to change or even it is ok for you to feel that way for a short time but don't allow it to linger to long.... Maybe you just need to be acknowledge for the emotion or thought then with a gentle nudge, they tell you to not stay their too long. I think the sameness in relationship for me is me being the good listener and be corrected for my thoughts... I find myself pushing away from those who do not hear me. I am thankful for the few who do hear me, in that reality, this list is short and can be counted on a few fingers with one being my Papa. I am thankful for His faithfulness to me, His open ear and heart to me. I can tell Him exactly what I am feeling and He doesn't give me tone and He gently corrects me when I need it.... He doesn't listen to me then run to someone else and whisper to them what I say. He holds it like a treasure and guides me to better emotions, better thoughts.

I dont want it to sound like I am bashing relationships but I find myself giving out more then I receive in return. Giving out is no way a bad thing but allowing my well to dry up is a bad thing. That is the sameness that I have allowed myself to get use too. Not changing. The giving more then the receiving. I really dont need to receive a lot except from God. But the change I am working towards is limiting the giving out, finding that balance so that I am not tapped out and have no reserve.

I am trying to change the sameness in my life and it has prompted change in who I am with and what I am doing. I am truly seeking His plan... taking it one step at a time, not wanting to give in to apathy and remain the same but seeking the next step.